Payday arrived once again. And out it goes, just as quickly. A missing payday away from homelessness.
Without regard, however, I was feeling flush with cash. Wandered into the LLBeano outlet, and quickly discovered it catered to those living far above my means. I instead opted for a couple of cold brews at a local food-teria, my first in a few moons, a reward of sorts. Ordered an appetizer combo, met with a former homeless friend (now also employed and housed), and discussed our lessons learned over the past one hundred and twenty days, and our present anxiety of forgetting those lessons too soon. Now that we were “transitioning” and “comfortable”. The dulling of one’s senses, the lull of contentment, the routine of maintaining, or adding to, that comfort. Little challenge, or adventure. And I found myself momentarily yearning to suffer again.
Whaatt??!!
There is a moment by moment urgency experienced in homelessness. Mostly involving thought processes not normally accessed in the consumer-driven culture we share. Homeless, upon waking choose the appropriate layers of clothing to wear for the day, in walk mode. Enough pockets? Everything else you own stays behind until evening, if without a car. After breakfast at The Kitchen, what appointments need to be set, or met? Do I have cash for the day, and if not, how? Do I appear homeless to that stranger approaching? Could she/he be my next employer, or landlord? Not many that can hold out for that hope, and not that many cigarettes left. How can I, or do I need to, carry this around all day? Shit, missed my shower at the Y. Must fill the time between now, and shelter check-in tonight. Will I sleep? Stay busy, or drunk, anxious and depressed.
When we’re housed and employed the TV is turned on, the movies and popcorn, the video games played… we are instructed on how or what to feel, and what plan of action best suits society. Facebook and social networking apps keep us connected, but pre-occupied with our peers, and the standards they set. The newspaper steers our thought process, the radio quiets the buzz and hum of everyday life. Get more comfortable, have more fun, make more money.
And we are not stilled. This disquieting distraction that somehow, we just missed something. Fleeting moments, as we go about our daily work, that cannot be expressed with anecdotes….a tremendous mystery. Conscience. Instinct. Gut Feeling. Our bodies crave a sensible balance of nutrition and exercise. Our spirits seek a challenge to ascend, and the daily patterns of our lives should yield more than a weekly paycheck. This is the natural order, this introspection and directed energy available between all living things, of which we’re advised to deny. A bit of suffering re-activates our qis*.
Today is my one day off. I’ll play some music, and look forward to a meeting with The Hurricane later in the day. The sun is peeking out. There’ll be a walk to the park, expediting some laundry, grabbing some lunch, stopping by the store on the way home. No suffering expected, but ever mindful of that which I do not need, and that which they do not have.
That’s Another Story
*Simply, energy flow. I was taught this word in a game of online Scrabble by my fifth grade school crush from another era.